Pissed Off.

you always have a choice

If you know me, you know “always” and “never” are words I don’t use very often.  I don’t think they are very accurate or realistic but in this case, I am cool with using them.  Because I believe it is true.  You ALWAYS have a choice, even if you dont like the choices to choose from.

Over the last few months, my life has gone through a pretty big transition.  When my roommate that was supposed to stay with me til December came in and told me in April that she was going to have to move out in May my brain went into a tailspin.  I was trying to figure out how I could afford to live in that space without her.  Even with another roommate the job I was working was not really paying me enough to do more than just “get by”.

In the past – I have been known to “force” and issue.  If I wanted something (or someone) I would do whatever I had to do to make it happen.  And I was proud of that fact.  I felt like it meant I was willing to do anything required to get what I wanted.

What I have learned recently tho, is that there is healing and power in not forcing things to happen.  Praying about them and letting God be my guide is a much better option for me.

So when L told me she had to leave because of a crazy situation within her own family – I had a few choices.

  1.  I could be pissed off or I could know that God already had this worked out for me and trust Him.
  2. I could force the situation of wanting to stay in my apartment, I mean, after all, it is my “happy place” or I could know that God already had this worked out for me and trust Him.
  3. I could run to a “man” and get him to help me fix this issue or I could know that God already had this worked out for me and trust Him.

My list could go on and on but those are the top three things that “old SAM” would have done in the past.  But “new SAM” did different.  I prayed, a lot.  I talked to people that I trusted and got their feedback.  And then I made a decision and acted on it.

Trusting myself and trusting God is still such a new thing for me.  It feels so good to not be “pissed off’, to not force an issue and to not go running to a man to take care of me.  It feels sooooooo good to know that I am willing to do what is needed to be done, but not in a manipulative – controlling kind of way.

Yes, I left my “happy place” and in the process, I realized that one place is not my only happy place.  My happy place is really anywhere that I am safe and able to be me.

The current plan is for me to move back into my apartment when L and M find a house but am open to whatever God has for me and am aware that a lot can change in 5 months.  So – lets just take this life one day at a time and see where God guides me next.

Much love.

-S

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